Neko

13/05/2023

Right now I'm procrastinating several tasks that I have to finish for uni, so why not procrastinate and update a little bit my journal?
It's been three months since I started my third year of college and honestly, I feel very tired and unmotivated. I have jobs to deliver soon but I simply can't do them, I don't have the motivation, let alone the desire to do them. I mean, I like what I'm studying and all but I feel like I need a long rest from this. I don't even feel motivated to draw, something that I used to do almost every day last year.
And another thing that's been bothering me is the constant reminders of how lonely I am. I am far from my family and the only college friend I have lives in another city. Also my high school friend is also very far, and we don't even talk or send messages that often.
Idk I feel like everything is accumulating and putting weight on me. Two weeks ago I fucked up my six years of no self harm because of a constant voice that's been torturing me lately told me to cut myself again. I only made a few cuts, to try to satisfy that voice and silence it once and for all. To my surprise, after cutting myself I felt nothing. Not guilt, not anger, not sadness. Something that six years ago did not happen. Well, at least that made me realize that self harming again did absolutely nothing to me, so I don't think I'll ever do it again.
ANYWAYS to end on a more positive or less shitty thing, umm, I'm trying to find my personal style. For a year or so, I identified as non binary, so I restricted myself to wear any "feminine" clothing or anything that marked my curves. But in the journey of self discovery I notice that clothing was a bit the problem, or rather how society sees me for my body. But I decided, fuck that, I'll wear what makes me feel comfortable and makes me feel pretty. Sooo, I'm trying to change my wardrobe to fit this new identity of mine. I have a pinterest board full of nice, pretty clothes that I would love to wear, but as you may or may not know, the economy of my country is going to shit, which is not helping me at all :/
To end this uumm, I can tell you that today I cooked me a super tasty lunch, and that made me very happy :)

12/02/2023

I've been feeling weird lately. I feel like I'm living my life on autopilot, like I'm not in control and just watch what's going on around me like a movie. The days are passing rather quickly and that's terrifying me because things will change, whether I like it or not. And not having control over things, or not knowing what is going to happen makes me feel bad and anxious. I'm going to sleep at 5 am and wake up at noon and I feel like I'm wasting my days, my youth. I spend it locked in my room, occasionally I get together with my only friend (because my other friend is in another city now). I mean I'm used to it by now but I would love if this was different. I see other people my age going out with their friends and just having fun, and I can't do that because I have only two friends. Not to talk about having a significant other, god I wish I had someone special, someone with who I can spend my days, talk about stupid shit, someone who loves me so I feel like I'm lovable. Alright I'll cut it here, I'm starting to sound pathetic.
Another thing that is bothering me or idk what, is a guy I know (I don't know if I could say he's my friend, he's my friend's friend and we only talk to each other through a text group where my friend and his girlfriend are also in, and when we all play together online). I've seen him in person twice. The first time was a year ago when he came to visit my friend (we are studying at uni in another city) and the second time was the week that I went to visit my friend in his city (what I told last time here hehe). That week he was so nice to me, he even lent me his sweatshirt and all when I was cold. And one day I had to pretend I was his girlfriend bc his ex was around when we were walking. Like he held me and all (at that time I was wearing his sweatshirt too). Also not to be more weird but he has such nice hands, idk don't look at me. Oh well, I brought this up bc in that group chat my friend sent a pic of the girl this guy was interested in. The pic showed the girl in a bikini, absolutely destroying my low self-esteem, like of course he would be interested in someone like her and not me. And well, that made me think about all this. Do I really like this boy? I mean I like women, I identify sexually as a lesbian, I had a girlfriend and all but I don't know. Maybe I'm just subconsciously thinking all this because I want to feel something. It's been more than a year since I was in love with someone and I kinda miss the feeling. Or maybe it's just bc he is nice to me. I feel like I'm going insane.

10/02/2023

I only have one more month off before I have to go back to university. At least I can say that I really enjoyed this summer vacation, even though I spend it mostly online inside my room. But I had a mini trip to the mountains and I also went to a friend's city to visit him for a couple of days, which was a lot of fun!! I've had never went to that city so he gave me a tour around.
Talking about uni, funny thing is that this year I have a class in which they are going to teach us about html, css, java and web design in general. Nice timing for me, I just started to learn about it myself.
Another thing that's going on my mind is opening commisions. I wanted to open them for like a year or so but my insecurities push me back. Like what if I can't deliver what my client is asking me to do?? What if I get an artblock? Or I don't reach the clients (or mines) expectatives? I have a lot of self doubt, but I reaaaally need the money for college. I feel very bad about my parents wasting so much money that they can bearly make on my studies. Maybe I should just open comms and let stuff happen, if they go bad then I can just close them. I don't know why I'm so insecure and anxious about this. My art isn't thaaat bad but I still feel like it's not enough or that people aren't interested in my work at all. I don't have a high number of followers on my social media, I don't get a lot of attention. Some times I even think what's the point of showing what I do online?? Does someone care about it? I enjoy doing what I do, but I also want people to see my art and go "wow this artist is great, I get inspired by what they do, they are a referent to me", just like what I think when I see other great artist's work. That would make me really happy, to know that there's someone at least loving what I do and being someone they look up to.

02/01/2023
Wow, it's already 2023!! Last year flew past sooo quickly I almost didn't notice. I'm a bit scared of the passing of time but I try not to think about it too much, and just enjoy the present.
This year will be my 3rd in uni aaaah!! Hopes everything goes smooth (╥ω╥) It's so weird to think in just two years from now on (hopefully) I'll be done with studies. Sometimes I miss being a young high schooler kid.
ALSO TOMORROW IS MY 21ST B-DAY WWOWOOW. I refuse to accept that I'm an adult ｡ﾟ･ (>﹏<) ･ﾟ｡
Ok I think that's all for now, bye byeeee.