Neko

15/04/2024

Shit so bad I'll write it in spanish. So sorry for non spanish speakers (I guess you can translate it if you want to read it though?)
Bueno ya va un mes y algo desde que volví a la ciudad donde voy a la uni, asi que ya llevo más de un mes estando sola. Años anteriores no me molestaba tanto, aunque sea estaba mi amigo y nos podíamos juntar y hacer cosas juntos, pero este año ya no está en esta ciudad. No tengo otras amistades, si, tengo compañeros de la uni con los que más o menos me llevo y nos juntamos para hacer trabajos grupales pero bueno, no son mis amigos. Siento hasta que estoy estorbando o que estoy de más en ese grupo. No aporto mucho. Otra cosa es que siento que estoy mucho más vaga (?) o al menos no tengo ganas / energías como años anteriores. Me cuesta mucho levantarme de la cama, si no fuera por las clases no me levantaría directamente. Tampoco estoy comiendo por culpa de esto, me estoy salteando los desayunos y almuerzos. Tal vez eso también sea la causa de que me esté sintiendo tan mal. Estoy llorando con más frecuencia también. Y como que no quiero hablar con mi amigo de esto porque se que no voy a solucionar nada y siento que solo voy a darle pena. A veces pienso que lo estoy haciendo a propósito pero, para lograr qué? Por qué fingiría estar mal, si estoy sola y no tengo a nadie a quien hablarle de esto? No sé, me parece tonto. Ahh, no sé, creo que es un ciclo, me siento mal, no como, duermo de más y eso empeora las cosas.
Entre otras cosas, el otro día pude terminar un dibujo, me sentí bien porque me comentaron la publicación y lo compartieron. Me sentí conforme con lo que hice por primera vez en mucho tiempo. Tengo ganas de seguir haciendo cosas pero como que no se me cae una idea, o al menos no tan buena como la anterior. Pero por lo menos me siento con algo de motivación para dibujar. También tengo muchas ganas de actualizar mi web y añadir cositas y corregir cosas (ahora que estoy teniendo clases de programación estoy entendiendo un poco mejor html). En vacaciones de invierno tal vez me ponga las pilas con la web y haga todo lo que tengo en mente.
Otra cosa, el trabajo del que había hablado antes se canceló porque mi compañera renunció así que… PERO! me ofreció otro trabajo. Hacer ilustraciones para un libro de una escuela de acrobacias / gimnasia con la que había trabajado anteriormente (les había hecho unas ilustraciones pero muy básicas) Así que ahí tengo una pequeña changa. Me da cosa ya tener que pensar en trabajar, no por el hecho de trabajar en sí pero porque esto significa que ya soy una adulta y tengo que cuidarme yo misma y empezar a conseguir dinero para sostenerme. Este tema me pone triste, ya no soy una niña, tengo que aprender a vivir sola (estoy en eso), no puedo depender más de mis padres. Ah no sé, tal vez es la nostalgia de ser una niña o una adolcente sin grandes responsabilidades que no se preocupaba tanto por su futuro. También tanto tiempo sola (y sin salir de mi departamento) es lo que me hace pensar en estas cosas.
Últimamente me estoy sintiendo muy miserable pero es lo que hay (??) Tengo tareas y trabajos que completar para la uni asi que… otro día les sigo contando de mis desgracias jej.

18/03/2024

Hellooooo!!! It's been some time since I wrote in here. Umm well I can tell you that I'm in my first semester of (HOPEFULLY) my last year at uni. It's a bit scary thought, finishing with my studies then getting a job and becoming a real responsible adult. It feels like it was last year I was in high school, how did the time past so quickly? When I was in high school I dreamed of university life, living by myself in another city, far from my hometown, pretending to be an adult... damn I was a fool, this is not as fun as I thougth. This year I got so much lonlier than last year, also I feel a lot more sad. I bearly get out of my apartment in the week, only the 2 or 1 day I have to go to uni, if not then I'm inside 24hs doing nothing and feeling even worse. I tried going for walks but the city is always crowed and I hate it. I wanted to go to a cafe that seems quite nice but I have no money, and I feel bad wasting the few pesos my mom can give me to sustain myself. And talking about money, a classmate offered me to work with her like last month. The thing is, I'm still waiting for her to tell me if I'm going to work or not, because she told me back then that the companies she works with had to answer about this new service offer (she manages and design these companies social medias and stuff, and she offered me to work doing the design part so she only manages them). BUT ANYWAYS I'm still waiting, since she told me this month she'll get an answer. I would love to get this job, having that money will make things much easier and I won't be a "load" to my parents, moneywise. I know they say that I shouln't worry about money but it's imposible for me not to. I feel gulty for even spending on stuff I don't really need :/
On another note, I'm trying to draw more because I don't want this to be another "wasted" year respecting that. A lot of progress can be done in a year if I'm consisten enough, and maybe I can make some bucks with my drawings in the near future. I mainly draw characters of medias I like, mostly from games, like TF2, Disco Elysium, Resident Evil... In 2020 I was OBSESED with Yakuza and since the pandemic happend and I couldn't leave the house, I just drew and drew Yakuza fanart for the entire year. I improved sooo much, and I also had a lot of fun posting online and getting coments and meeting people with the same interests as I, I really that feeling, truly enjoing what I do and just having fun. I want to bring it back, but I feel like I lost that mini comunity I had build that year. Also regaining that motivation, that spark that made me jump out of bed because I felt the urge to draw. Nowdays just gettin out of bed is becoming a dificult task. The only thing that motivates me is attending my classes so I can finish uni and stop making my parents spend money on me.
Sighhh well I wasn't expecting this to be so long and so sad heh.

27/01/2024

Mini shoping haul from yesterday!!!!! I got a Cinnamoroll keychain, some sticker sheets and a mechanical pencil. Everything is so so so cute :)
I put the keychain on my purse (it was my mom's but she gave it to me since she doesn't use it anymore)

23/01/2024

Ok sooo, it's 2024. It was my 22nd bday the 3rd of this month, I still don't feel like an "adult". This bday kinda sucked, I cried the whole day, everything went wrong, I almost got no cake, it rained just when I was about to go out to get a drink with my friend, less family members said hi to me compared to last year..... I felt alone, really alone. This bday, I can say it was, till now, the worst one. It was like another regular day, ordinary as hell. I ask why am I not like the rest??? I don't have that many friends, only one of them lives in the same city as I, another goes to uni with me so I see him there and the two left are friends in common with my uni friend and I only see them once a year. I see the ex classmates and people I know irl post a bunch of pics with their friends on their bday, a lot of people are with them celebrating and stuff. And me, I spended like any other day in my life. Birthdays are supposed to be special, you are supposed to feel special, happy, loved. But I don't and that makes me so sad. The next day we went for drinks with this friend and I found strange that she didn't gifted me anything (not bc I wanted a gift but the sentiment, the accion of giving someone something y'know?), she always did, and some of those gifts were handmade by her. I thought well something happed, she didn't had time or wharever. But then some days passed and she uploaded to her instagram some gifts she handmade to two of her friends. It sadden me a bit but again, I don't know maybe she had them for some time now or something. It bothered me, yes, but ... I don't want to think ill of her bc of that.
Anyways, on anoher note, this year (if everything goes well) will be my last year at university (FINGERS CROSSED!!). I'll be a graduated visual designer. And then I'll have to find a job and sweet sweet adulthood will embrace me for the rest of my life :(
Aaalso this summer is KILLING MEEEE, it's soooo fkg hot here where I live ;(